It's been a while... Sometimes it's hard to put words to things, but this has been swimming around in my head for a while. This thing about love.
I remember when I was close to giving birth to our beautiful second born. There were quiet questions in the back of my mind. I wondered how on earth I could love two children with the same intensity. It takes your breath away...how much you love when your child is placed in your arms. There was such depth of love for my first born. Was I able to love like that again? I was so relieved to find that yes, indeed, I could. And I did. Our little Grace Marie was born and there it was. That depth. That intensity. That love. It's funny though, although my love for my two girls had the same depth and intensity, it was also very separate and unique for each of them. The same happened with our third born, although I wasn't quite so worried about it. By that time I knew my heart and soul would love her with that same, although unique, emotion.
But with our fourth, I worried again.
I knew I would love her. But would it be with that same intensity? Would she feel like mine? I wasn't going to give birth to this baby. So I worried. But only quietly. I prayed a lot about it. Asking God to bless us with a strong, quick attachment as mommy, daddy and sisters. I know there were others praying that for us too. I often asked Him to tie us together with strong ties of love, and then decided to leave it with Him. He had chosen this for our family and He would handle everything surrounding it.
As I rocked our fourth sweet girl the other day, I sat watching her face as she fell asleep in my arms, taking in all the little things she does as she drifts to sleep. I sat and marveled at how God has answered my prayers. Oh my, do I love this little girl. With that depth. That intensity. That love. With that unique way that's just for her.
And then it hit me... This is a picture of God's love for us.
If we have given our lives to follow Christ, we are God's adopted sons and daughters. And oh my, does He love us. With a depth and intensity that we can not even begin to fathom! There is NO difference in His love for His Son Jesus and His love for us. None.
Hallelujah!
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Details and Due Date
It's taken me a while to be ready to write this. I'm not sure why. I just couldn't figure out how to put into words the amazing, crazy, and wonderful things that are happening!
We have been "matched," which in the adoption world means we've been paired up with, birth parents and baby due on April 20th! Both the birth father and birth mother are from MN, so we were able to meet them, and they were able to meet us, before they made their choice of what family they wanted to place their child in to be the forever family. We do not know if this is a boy or girl and this is going to be a beautifully open adoption.
At the beginning of this process, Cory and I had to decide what type of adoption we'd be open to. Closed? Meaning no contact ever. Semi-open? Meaning, basically, letters and pictures sent at different times a year. Or open? Meaning the birth parents would know who we are and we would have direct contact, with each situation being a little different depending on the situation. As we talked about it, we looked at each other and asked if we were crazy for wanting an open adoption?
Let's just get that out of the way....Yes, we are crazy! :)
The journeys God puts us all on, if we are willing to go, will be crazy. They can only be done through and with Him. It is a wild ride! But it is worth every second. We fully realize that not everyone - in fact, we are finding that most people - will not understand this journey. That's probably the hardest part right now. Watching the looks cross people's faces as we tell them about how our life is changing. Especially when it's people who are dear to our hearts and people I want so badly to really and truly understand and see how wonderful this is! Is it strange? Yes. Is it crazy? Yes. But it is so beautiful.
How many times have you heard that a child who is adopted wishes they could see what their birth parents look like? How many times have adopted children wondered who they get their interests and talents from? How many have wished they could meet their birth parents - at least once?
Our child will never have to ask those questions! We will have, and have right now, and ongoing relationship with both the birth mom and birth dad (I'll refer to them as Jane and John)! They are both amazing people and we are so thankful to have this time before the baby is born to get to know them. We are so blessed to be able to count them as part of our family from this moment on. They already love on our girls and are interested in their lives and everyone has the best interests of this baby at heart. It is beautiful and amazing. Such a precious gift.
I love that, as baby grows, we will be able to say, "That's just like Jane!" or "You sound just like John!" I love that baby already knows our voices - they will not be foreign to him/her. That is so precious to me. I love that we get to add to our family...and not just this baby!
I would be lying if I said that there are not parts of this that can make me fearful, but here's the thing: Am I going to choose to live out of fear or hope? Which one am I going to focus on? My God is big and can handle anything. So in reality, I have nothing to fear. So I am choosing to lay all of the details and "what ifs" at His capable feet and focus on loving this baby. And part of loving baby includes loving baby's birth mom and birth dad. That's true no matter what the situation. Birth parents are the ones who God used to give these children life. Jane and John are who God used to give our child life and they will forever be a part of our family because of that.
We are SO blessed.
We have been "matched," which in the adoption world means we've been paired up with, birth parents and baby due on April 20th! Both the birth father and birth mother are from MN, so we were able to meet them, and they were able to meet us, before they made their choice of what family they wanted to place their child in to be the forever family. We do not know if this is a boy or girl and this is going to be a beautifully open adoption.
At the beginning of this process, Cory and I had to decide what type of adoption we'd be open to. Closed? Meaning no contact ever. Semi-open? Meaning, basically, letters and pictures sent at different times a year. Or open? Meaning the birth parents would know who we are and we would have direct contact, with each situation being a little different depending on the situation. As we talked about it, we looked at each other and asked if we were crazy for wanting an open adoption?
Let's just get that out of the way....Yes, we are crazy! :)
The journeys God puts us all on, if we are willing to go, will be crazy. They can only be done through and with Him. It is a wild ride! But it is worth every second. We fully realize that not everyone - in fact, we are finding that most people - will not understand this journey. That's probably the hardest part right now. Watching the looks cross people's faces as we tell them about how our life is changing. Especially when it's people who are dear to our hearts and people I want so badly to really and truly understand and see how wonderful this is! Is it strange? Yes. Is it crazy? Yes. But it is so beautiful.
How many times have you heard that a child who is adopted wishes they could see what their birth parents look like? How many times have adopted children wondered who they get their interests and talents from? How many have wished they could meet their birth parents - at least once?
Our child will never have to ask those questions! We will have, and have right now, and ongoing relationship with both the birth mom and birth dad (I'll refer to them as Jane and John)! They are both amazing people and we are so thankful to have this time before the baby is born to get to know them. We are so blessed to be able to count them as part of our family from this moment on. They already love on our girls and are interested in their lives and everyone has the best interests of this baby at heart. It is beautiful and amazing. Such a precious gift.
I love that, as baby grows, we will be able to say, "That's just like Jane!" or "You sound just like John!" I love that baby already knows our voices - they will not be foreign to him/her. That is so precious to me. I love that we get to add to our family...and not just this baby!
I would be lying if I said that there are not parts of this that can make me fearful, but here's the thing: Am I going to choose to live out of fear or hope? Which one am I going to focus on? My God is big and can handle anything. So in reality, I have nothing to fear. So I am choosing to lay all of the details and "what ifs" at His capable feet and focus on loving this baby. And part of loving baby includes loving baby's birth mom and birth dad. That's true no matter what the situation. Birth parents are the ones who God used to give these children life. Jane and John are who God used to give our child life and they will forever be a part of our family because of that.
We are SO blessed.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
This One's Mine
I have no idea what to write. What words can I say to describe what God has done. What He is doing.
We've finally heard those words we've longed for... Yes. It's you.
Our hearts are full of thankfulness and praise! But words are failing me tonight. Maybe because it's starting to sink in.
If you have the time, follow the link to this song by Mercy Me. We pray it will be in the heart of this child.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JVHZNgYXwMQ
We've finally heard those words we've longed for... Yes. It's you.
Our hearts are full of thankfulness and praise! But words are failing me tonight. Maybe because it's starting to sink in.
If you have the time, follow the link to this song by Mercy Me. We pray it will be in the heart of this child.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JVHZNgYXwMQ
Saturday, January 28, 2012
The Quiet
I used to look forward to a lazy Saturday or Sunday when we could just hang out at home with nothing going on. These days I don't look as forward to them.
I end up pacing in my kitchen, watching my email. Hoping for that one to come through. That one that tells us about a new possibility. Or, better yet, that one that tells us we're gonna have a baby.
Sigh. Today is one of those days.
I am taking advantage of the day...playing games with my girls, getting some laundry done, just being together as a family. But still, I walk by the computer...hoping...with nothing else to keep my mind occupied in the quiet of the day.
Waiting on other people to make decisions that will change my life is so hard...but I keep telling myself it will all be worth it.
I end up pacing in my kitchen, watching my email. Hoping for that one to come through. That one that tells us about a new possibility. Or, better yet, that one that tells us we're gonna have a baby.
Sigh. Today is one of those days.
I am taking advantage of the day...playing games with my girls, getting some laundry done, just being together as a family. But still, I walk by the computer...hoping...with nothing else to keep my mind occupied in the quiet of the day.
Waiting on other people to make decisions that will change my life is so hard...but I keep telling myself it will all be worth it.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Those Who Wait on the Lord
Those who wait and hope on the Lord
~ Are blessed. Isaiah 30:18
~ He turns and hears their cries. Psalm 40
~ Will have their strength renewed, soar on wings like eagles, not grow weary or faint. Isaiah 40:28-31
~ Will not be put to shame. Psalm 25:3
~ Have Him as their help and shield. Psalm 33:20
~ He delights in. Psalm 147:11
These are my promises. And I'm taking them to the bank.
~ Are blessed. Isaiah 30:18
~ He turns and hears their cries. Psalm 40
~ Will have their strength renewed, soar on wings like eagles, not grow weary or faint. Isaiah 40:28-31
~ Will not be put to shame. Psalm 25:3
~ Have Him as their help and shield. Psalm 33:20
~ He delights in. Psalm 147:11
These are my promises. And I'm taking them to the bank.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
His Strong Love
I love the fresh revelations God gives. When something that we know becomes what we experience.
I've been wondering, asking: How can I continue to have these precious babies brought before me and give a piece of my heart while I pray for them? It's getting exhausting. But it's what God has called me to in our adoption journey. I know that beyond a shadow of a doubt. But man - How can I keep doing it?!
So often we talk about God's love and we get a picture in our minds of something soft, "ooey, gooey, mushy" type love. Yes, He has emotion toward us. But that is not what held Him to the cross.
As Jesus went through the trials, the beatings, the whippings, carrying the cross down that road, and hanging there, it was not "ooey, gooey, mushy love" that got Him there. He chose it. His love is power. His love is joy.
Hebrews 12:2 tells us: "...for the joy that lay before Him endured a cross and despised the shame..."
What held Him to that cross was that He knew what was next. He knew what joy it would bring Him and the Father to bring us into their family. He desired that - so much! So much that He endured the worst pain and humiliation. Oh the depths of His love for us!
I know the depths of the desire and love I have for my children. And the ache for the one not in my arms yet. And I know that my desire, love, and ache are NOTHING compared to what His is for us.
He can ask me to endure this because He endured so. much. more.
He has also told me how: Heb. 12:1-2 "Therefore since we also have such a large cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us lay aside every weight and the sin that so easily ensnared us, and run with endurance the race that lies before us keeping our eyes on Jesus, the source and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that lay before Him endured a cross and despised the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of God's throne."
As He moved this on my heart, all I could do was sit and cry. That He would love us that much. That He would CHOOSE us that much.
I am in awe.
I've been wondering, asking: How can I continue to have these precious babies brought before me and give a piece of my heart while I pray for them? It's getting exhausting. But it's what God has called me to in our adoption journey. I know that beyond a shadow of a doubt. But man - How can I keep doing it?!
So often we talk about God's love and we get a picture in our minds of something soft, "ooey, gooey, mushy" type love. Yes, He has emotion toward us. But that is not what held Him to the cross.
As Jesus went through the trials, the beatings, the whippings, carrying the cross down that road, and hanging there, it was not "ooey, gooey, mushy love" that got Him there. He chose it. His love is power. His love is joy.
Hebrews 12:2 tells us: "...for the joy that lay before Him endured a cross and despised the shame..."
What held Him to that cross was that He knew what was next. He knew what joy it would bring Him and the Father to bring us into their family. He desired that - so much! So much that He endured the worst pain and humiliation. Oh the depths of His love for us!
I know the depths of the desire and love I have for my children. And the ache for the one not in my arms yet. And I know that my desire, love, and ache are NOTHING compared to what His is for us.
He can ask me to endure this because He endured so. much. more.
He has also told me how: Heb. 12:1-2 "Therefore since we also have such a large cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us lay aside every weight and the sin that so easily ensnared us, and run with endurance the race that lies before us keeping our eyes on Jesus, the source and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that lay before Him endured a cross and despised the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of God's throne."
As He moved this on my heart, all I could do was sit and cry. That He would love us that much. That He would CHOOSE us that much.
I am in awe.
Friday, January 6, 2012
Rivers In The Desert
A few years ago, as God was watering the seed in our hearts for adoption, He spoke this word over me as a dear friend was praying with me:
Isaiah 43: 18-19
Do not remember the past events, pay no attention to things of old. Look, I am about to do something new; even now it is coming. Do you not see it? Indeed, I will make a way in the wilderness, rivers in the desert.
God reminded me of this tonight, as I cry over hearing yet another no. I'm not sure I can see it...the something new yet. But I want to. Make the way, Lord. Bring our rivers in the desert.
Isaiah 43: 18-19
Do not remember the past events, pay no attention to things of old. Look, I am about to do something new; even now it is coming. Do you not see it? Indeed, I will make a way in the wilderness, rivers in the desert.
God reminded me of this tonight, as I cry over hearing yet another no. I'm not sure I can see it...the something new yet. But I want to. Make the way, Lord. Bring our rivers in the desert.
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