Emotions

We had our second homestudy visit this week, which went really well, and our third and final one is scheduled for the end of May. It's exciting, but we're still only in the beginning stages of this journey!

To prepare for this visit, we had to begin to answer some pretty big questions which mostly revolve around what type of relationship we're open to having with the baby's birth family. As you can imagine, that produced many deep conversations and emotions.

And in the midst of this, God has been trying to draw me out - out of my protective shell. I tend to keep myself detached emotionally when I see a chance of getting really hurt. As I think about the birth mother and family, I really want to have a love for them. I don't want to be detached from them. This is incredibly scary for me!

I've also had many people ask me if I'm excited. Perfectly good and natural question. I'm not sure my response is so natural. My answer has been that I haven't really gone there yet. I think I've been so focused on the process - the things that need to be done - that I've kept my emotions out of it. Yet again, protecting my heart.

Then the other day a friend of mine said she knows someone who's looking to get rid of her baby stuff and as she was thinking of people she knows who are having babies, she thought of us. After all, she said, "You're having a baby!" It dawned on me that I hadn't gone there yet, either.  I think it has to do with the fact that we just don't know anything. We don't have a due date. We don't even have any natural guarantee that this will happen with in the next year!

But I think God is telling me it's time. It's time to open my heart and choose to let myself get emotionally involved. Oh boy does this scare me. I sure am grateful that I can trust God with my heart. Now I just have to live it.